7.27.2012

The ABC's of The Stand



How else do you deal with a 1200 page book that would be IMPOSSIBLE to review coherently? Make an aphabetical list, of course.

...and if this wasn't obvs - there will in fact most likely have spoilers.

Abigail  ~ wait did I spell that correctly? Who knows.  But she's a kind soul even if a wee bit of a zealot. And also, how many of you craved chicken after she made it?

Baby can you dig your man?

Captain Trips.  Sounds like cereal doesn't it?  Swallow down some bubonic plague and ya'll come back now ya hear?

Doctor.  If I had to do this life again, I highly recommend studying medicine.  Who was the minor character that ended up offing herself when the fake-wedded-hubs died of appendicitis.  Anyway, she makes a point by saying: look, we can all chit chat around the campfire but NONE of us have any real-life skills outside of being smart and able to BS.

End of humanity might just end up how this book did.  Kaboom.

Flagg is a fantastic Evil Man.  He preys on the weak and either converts them or destroys them.  And crucifixion?  Man, I'd stay away far away from your bad side.

Goverment sucks.  Seriously.  First they create this detrimental-to-human-health-disease, then when it freakin' gets out of control they want to shoot down any and every witness/victim/each other?  Wicked man.  And not in the cool sense.

Harold I want to beat your face in.  Truly.  You are one of those people who just wise up a wee bit too late for it to even be forgivable.  Seriously.  I get that people made fun of you, Harold.  I totally understand that there are some craptastic punks out in the world.  I teach Middle School for chrissakes.  But Harold, you take the cake when it comes to sniveling and selfish weaklings.  I'd probably have picked on you too, truth be told.

Investigative Free Zoners move into the Dark Man's territory.  How hard was it to watch poor mentally deficient Tom go into the bad land, but also old man Glenn?  Oh my gosh, I just wanted to hug them both.

Jealousy, not just a song sung by the Gin Blossoms.  There was tons of that going on wasn't there?  Nadine was jealous of Lucy.  And then she was jealous of Joe.  Harold was jealous of Stu.   Lesson learned.  It all ends up badly.

Kojak!  (Heh, thought I'd go all obvious here and say King, didinja?) Nope. Kojak was one mofo of a dog.  He not only hoofed it on his own following the crew, he beat of the evil Bad Man, and then shared his perspective on life in the wild for a couple of pages.  Doggy treat for you buddy.

Larry, oh Larry.  You walked into my world quite honestly being one of the biggest arses that I had ever met.  Did I date you Larry?  But in the long run, Larry, you showed the most growth.  Indeed, King did something special with you didn't he?  You my dear could have walked out of the pages and lived in our world today.

M-O-O-N spells I love you man.

Nick.  Let's pretend that you have all of your teeth AND your eye, yes?

Oil isn't going to be the death of us?  We got it wrong folks.  It's all good.  Also, the pilgrimage is not all the way to the Middle East.  It appears that side of the world doesn't have to worry about the bad man.

Pilgrimage.  This was one epic pilgrimage, folks.  First, group A had to get to location C and then hoof it to area G all the while hoping that they didn't run into group B while they were trekking all the way to section I (as in I hate all of your guts and am gonna burn you down), which means that of course group A had to meander over to section I to make sure the burning down didn't happen.

Quick pick up that man's face from the cereal.  Really?  That's where my focus would be?  I'd be gagging left and right in that military facility with all of those dead bodies.

Retch-worthy scenes.  You know what I'm talking about.  That whole love triangle between Trashcan Man, The Kidd, and the gun.

Stu, if I wasn't already in a loving relationship, will you marry me? I promise I won't get knocked up by another man and then wait to tell you (and anyone else) for a few months WHILE THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END.

Top Ten list Stephen King made about the remake of the movie, The Stand, waaaaay back in 2011.  Here's hoping we see it soon because the television series?  Did you want some pasta with that cheese?

Uncut.  Really King?  You could have STILL included Frannie and her evil-momster and that psychopath The Kidd without adding another FOUR HUNDRED pages to this book.

Vegas.  Was anyone else NOT shocked by this choice of location for the evil-doers.  It sorta bugged me that King would choose such an obvious state. 

Well done, Mr. King.  You have now made me aware that each time I get the sniffles I'm gonna worry about that Captain Trips.  Maybe I can tell my students about it and warn them that's what happens when they don't wash their hands in the bathroom.  Mainly, I'm looking at you, my stinky seventh grade boys.

Xanxex is exactly what I would be pocketing from the pharmacy in every town I visited to deal with this shizat.  Also do you think anyone in the Free Zone will become xenophobic knowing that a group was trying to kill them?  [What there are few x-words that can be used here, folks. I collecting dimes.]

Yeah, I was okay when Frannie's mom got the bad disease and kicked the bucket.  If there was one person in the novel that I got to know that I felt no pity for, it was her.  What a grotesque mother.

Zebras?  Captain Trips took the horses, but what about the zebras?  Could we train zebras in the same way that we've domesticated horses?  *thinking*

Well Trish, it's been real.  Who's up for reading It next? *grin*


11 comments:

  1. Oh, yes. Laws yes, that TV movie was straight up cheese. I felt the same way. I watched it this week in the evenings and could not stand it!

    Oh, and sweet little Kojak. Man, did I love him!

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  2. You did an ABC version of The Stand, I love it! Kojak was so wonderful. I agree Larry showed the most personal growth throughout the book and I hated Harold's face.

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  3. This is clearly the greatest post on The Stand anyone has ever written. Nice work! And well done for finding an X!

    ps Niiiiiick! <3

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  4. This is clearly the greatest post on The Stand anyone has ever written. Nice work! And well done for finding an X!

    ps Niiiiiick! <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is clearly the greatest post on The Stand anyone has ever written. Nice work! And well done for finding an X!

    ps Niiiiiick! <3

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  6. BEST POST EVER. I love this so much I seriously laughed and then got teary-eyed. and then laughed and got teary-eyed. Perfect.

    And yes--so proud of Larry. Seems like SO long ago that he was in LA with the booze and drugs and girls.

    Thanks for reading along with us!

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  7. You're a freakin' genius! I love this list.

    I also love that King bagged on Molly Ringwald THREE TIMES in that top 10 list.

    And I would read IT with you. I'd even follow through, unlike Anna K. Would it be an Italong?

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  8. This Post Makes me Happy.

    I for one would have been happy if he never brought The Kidd back. Probably my least favorite part of the book. I think Thrashcan Man's whole story has a lot of missing potential. I love how Harold seems even more petty and disgusting when comparing him to what Trashie went through.

    One of the thinks I have always wondered iis if Lucy ever went browsing through the music store and finds a copy of Pocket Savior. Someday when I learn to play an instument and become a rock star, I will do a cover of Baby Can You Dig Your Man?

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  9. Awesome review! You made me LOLAL (laugh out loud a lot)!

    I did get *a* post written, but it's still not *the* post that I want to write after reading this (and by "this" I meant The Stand but I also mean your post). :)

    Ohmygosh! Are you really thinking about an It follow-up?

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