According to Jane

Title: According to Jane
Author: Marilyn Brant
Pub: 2009; Kessington
Pages: 255
Genre: Fiction; Contemporary
Etc: Advent w/ Austen

Oh - Em - Gee peeples!  This book was a wretched experience to read.  Simply ghastly.  It was my optimism that caused me to persevere, and unfortunately the end was worth less than the beginning.

Story opens with Ellie in high school.  She's considered a well-mannered brainiac. And perhaps somewhat of a wallflower.  There's this boy in her class, Sam, who is arrogant and totally gets on her nerves.  Then there's this OTHER boy, Jason, who's a pretty typical good looking guy friend.  Life's pretty normal and she goes through normal high school things until one day in English Lit class, her teacher introduces Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice and viola the voice of Jane enters her consciousness.

Folks, all of this happens in, like, the first couple of pages.

(Ahem.  And Jane's voice does not sound authentic At. All.)

The book jumps back and forth between Ellie's somewhat present disastrous relationship to this BIG UNSPEAKABLE MOMENT in high school that we are not told about.  Just that it was big.  Secretly folks, this BUM (heh) is what kept me holding on for a good two-thirds of the book.  'Cuz that's definitely what it felt like.

Needless to say, this BUM absolutely ruins her for all men.  Yeah, that's essentially what I got.  And Jane is there in the background huffing and puffing and giving her two cents.  Jane abhors all of Ellie's choices, especially Sam.  Although I hardly understand why.

So let's see, I finished this book about ten minutes ago...and I never write a review right away.  (I'm usually too lazy or beside myself to construct any thoughts).  This post sorta proves that because all that my mind keeps saying is #awfulworsetimeofmylife #howdidpeoplelikethis #imbeingridiculouslymean #iwantmyreadingtimeback  #seriously

So here's a bulleted list for you folks on my I'm giving this a two thumbs down read:

  • Ellie and her sister Di have this ridiculously "I hate you" and "You're such a geek" and "Even though I'm getting MARRIED and I should be mature and past my bitchy high school self you are NOT going to be in the wedding because...[see statement one and two]"  Now, granted, I don't have any siblings, but really?  Really?  That's believable?
  • Jane hates HATES Sam.  With a passion.  She continues to refer to him as Mr. Wickham and yet I'm not quite sure why.  If there's been some foundation layin' then I must have slept-read through that.  I just didn't get it.  'Course, I didn't get the allure of Sam either.  In fact, some of the other manly characters had more depth than Sam.
  • Ellie, oh Ellie.  Jane continued to assert that one day people would appreciate your passion, your love, your creativity, your HEART.  *sigh* I saw none of that.  In fact, Ellie, you were a pretty blase character if I don't say so myself.
  • So there's this part where Ellie goes to Europe to visit Jane's history right?  And it would have been SO COOL. 'Cept it wasn't.  And it took about two pages.  Even though she spent six weeks there.  What the what?
  • The naked scenes were okay.  And in fact, I'd say that those (especially the losing of the virginity scene; take one was) were pretty right on target.  Not bad there.  Thankfully it didn't turn into a quivering harlequin moment - which was definitely not what I was looking for.
  • In fact, I was looking for a literary delight and instead I wanted to torch the book.  In the very least throw it across the house.
  • The BIG SECRET why Jane chose Ellie?  Yeah.  Hit me up next week to tell you how exciting that was.  
  • The pacing was gawd awful.  
Folks, I must stop.  I haven't ranted this much about a book and my dislike in about ever?  Please someone argue with me.  Tell me the merit.  Please?


  1. This post made me chuckle....it just sounds...off. I will definitely avoid this.

  2. Great review, even if the book was just awful.


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